Movies and Television

You know when I turned off this DVD? Exactly when ... well, that would be giving it away. But if you'd just seen Diane Lane get seriously fucked in the hallway of Olivier Martinez's artistic apartment building and then Richard Gere enters this same hallway minutes later after her departure ... you'd know that this scene can only end about three ways (maybe seven if you've taken advanced screenwriting).

And you know what? If I had Dewie from "Malcom in the Middle" as my kid in the NYC suburbs, I'd probably cheat on Richard Gere too with the hot hot Olivier Martinez. Those of you up on your indie French cinema will recognize Martinez as the star of 1995's "The Horseman on the Roof". He is the only reason to watch this movie. And even then, only really the first half, with the hot sex. Not French cinema hot, but still, hot for American movies. Cringe and fast forward through the Richard Gere attempts at sex.

Sex aside, is there anything left in this movie to make it worthwhile? Not really. Even Rob Lowe's part could have been filled by an extra. What, did he need the money after "Lyon's Den"? There's nothing exotic about the New York presented and everyone gets to fall into predictable roles. Village/Lower East Side Artist? check. Overworked head lawyer? check. Obnoxious female suburban wives? check. Maybe the fact that one of the three writers was also a screenwriter for the new "Planet of the Apes" should have clued me in to the formulaic disaster ahead. Le sigh.

Continuing the week of Jackie Chan buddy movie sequels comes this tart entry starring Chan and Chris Tucker. The movie thankfully is set in the present (I say thankfully because I could not stand one more minute of Owen Wilson's anachronistic American blather), allowing Chan and Tucker to move between Hong Kong, Los Angeles, and a swank new casino in Las Vegas. Talk about writing a script with easy locations. My mom and I were snickering during fight scenes, looking for the errant bales of cotton to magically appear inside these urban settings. And not a ladder to be had, I think! Some of the lines were downright funny, but not often enough. Watching the outtakes of Tucker say "JACKIE! Break down the door", to which Chan would smile and say "okay ... CHRIS!". Funny how Owen Wilson had this same problem.

The plot, well, it was the usual heist/double cross/hey he's not dead routine. Highlights include Ziyi Zhang (fresh from "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon") as a wicked assassin, Chris Tucker's insight that a rich white man is probably behind everything, and the use of food as slang for sex.

Overall, I'd say this movie pushes the edge of Jackie Chan love. Watch it only if you liked the first one, can deal with the toned down action scenes, and just feel like having a laugh. My mom was sick and it entertained us for the short time, which was all we had hoped for anyhow.

Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson's sequel to the goofy western "Shanghai Noon".

The fight scenes at the end were excellent, as long as they were Asian villians (oooh, Boxers) versus Jackie Chan and Fann Wong (his character's sister). Anytime it became Brits versus Jackie, the action was lame, as you could see them switch between actors and Asian stunt doubles.

More thoughts later. Enjoyable props: a revolving door hotel entrance, ubiquitous ladders, fighting on the docks and markets (crates, cotton bales, the usual Jackie Chan specialties).

Gah. I thought maybe, just maybe, this film would be funny. Because sometimes movies get slammed by critics and end up being quite entertaining. Maybe you need to be on drugs for this movie to work. Maybe you should just avoid it. Let's see ... one annoying pseudo-hipster fighting with a squeaky rich girl through a honeymoon in Europe? Sure, they try to be all clever with the editing but it really doesn't help. Starting the movie with a fight at the airport isn't going to make you think, Oh! This Will Turn Out Well! From the obnoxious characterizations, both of Americans and Europeans, to the dreadful dialoge, this movie was doomed from the beginning.

One interesting perk? Christian Kane, who plays Lindsey the evil lawyer on "Angel", does appear briefly in the film. And he looks as hot as ever, just in stuffy boardroom-esque clothing. Should have hired him for the lead, done away with Ashton Kutcher in the first place, and let Christian and Brittany Murphy frolick around Europe or Los Angeles. Would have been better than this awful shlock.

The best thing about this retro fling of a movie is Ewan McGregor. This is the type of role he exceeds at. And playing psycho drugged out freaks, but that's another story.

From the very opening credits of the old "20th Century Fox" logo bringing you this movie in "CinemaScope", complete with cute bouncy animation titles and the New York skyline, you know you are in for a thorough if not exhausting recreation of someone's idea of 1962. That would be Peyton Reed, fresh from directing "Bring It On" and a slew of television shows.

The basic story starts with Renee Zellweger arriving in New York to promote "Down With Love", her about-to-published guide for single women. Women are thusly encouraged to separate sex and love (use of chocolate as self-pleasure is pretty funny) and enjoy sex a la carte, like a man. Well, this premise naturally frustrates the man-about-town star journalist of the top men's magazine, played full Brit by Ewan McGregor. About seventeen costume changes later, the characters meet and the game is on. Ewan decides to deceive Renee, catch her at her own game. Make her fall in love. So he adopts the EXACT SAME Southern accent used in "Big Fish". Except this time it's comedy. There is no Zip Martin, astronaut. So the silly accent works. As perfectly as the nerdy glasses stolen from David Hyde Pierce, who somehow manages to just play Niles Crane (neurotic and romantic). A few twists here and there and hey, love reigns supreme afterall. Just not like you thought, which redeems this movie to a point. If you accept the cloying cuteness, the oh-so-perfect vintage, and just think, hey, at least they didn't make another "Austin Powers", then "Down With Love" is a funny little film.

Will the following people please report to the Kodak Theatre:

Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Paul Bettany, Halle Berry, Jennifer Connelly, Russell Crowe, Matt Damon, Robert DeNiro, Vin Diesel, Kirsten Dunst, Colin Farrel, Jodie Foster, Harrison Ford, Jake Gyllenhaal, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mel Gibson, Salma Hayek, Samuel L. Jackson, Lucy Liu, Ewan McGregor, Francis McDormand, William H. Macy, Demi Moore, Jack Nicholson, Ed Norton, Al Pacino, Gwyneth Paltrow, Brad Pitt, Robert Redford, Keanu Reeves, Meg Ryan, Adam Sandler, Kevin Spacey, Julia Styles, Sigourney Weaver, Bruce Willis.

(*please forgive misspellings. I'm not IMDb-ing this early.)